The Cheap Mom's (That Would Be Me) Guide to Swimming in Utah

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We love the pool. Looooooooooove the pool.  I know people think of Utah as a snowy place but it gets freaking HOT in the summertime.  All of my family in Phoenix and Las Vegas are mocking me right now, I realize. It  does though. Something about the altitude simply melts your face off.

My kids think it's super exciting to explore new pools so we've been to a LOT of them.  (I can't imagine what they would do if we ever went to Seven Peaks or Lagoon-a-beach.  Probably die of joy-induced stroke.  Poor kids.  It's tough to have a really cheap mom.)   Luckily, Utah has some amazing (cheap) pools and pool complexes.  Sometimes I think the various city councils are all staffed by teenagers determined to top each other with the BIGGEST BEST MOST FUNNEST MOST AMAZINGEST pool ever.  And then they try.  Which works out great for me, personally.

Disclaimer:  This is not a list of EVERY swimming pool on the Wasatch Front, it's just a list of some of the pools I think are the most fun.  If I missed any good ones, let me know in the comments because WE WANT TO GO THERE.

Speaking Of Hobos

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Ugh.

I think I have a post Mother's Day laziness hangover.

Yesterday was truly painful, what with having to re-enter the real world and actually DO stuff again (like, er, paying attention to my kids, and taking my turn to cook, etc.) instead of just - doing whatever I felt like doing (i.e., reading and staring at my computer for hours).

By 8:00 last night I was snapping at everyone and wandering around the house muttering naughty things under my breath.

(I'm really quite charming.)

Yesterday would've been stressful no matter what though because we're waiting to hear about a house we applied to rent.

(Did I mention we're moving again?  Our lease is up.  Our lovely neighbors next door moved away (sob) and my kids are pretty lonely in our geriatric neighborhood.  We are going to have some family living with us for a while so we need a larger house. And frankly, we need a house with actual insulation.  My utility bills would make you weep.)

(My kids are actually EXCITED about the move.  We've turned them into vagabonds.  We were talking about trying to find another house within the school boundaries, and my kids were like - NO, let's move to another city! We want to go to a new school!  We want to be the new kids!)

(Apparently moving around a lot hasn't been as traumatizing as I thought it would be.)

We've already met and bonded with the owners.  We're experts at making a good rental impression.  We always slip in tidbits about how much we love to work in the yard, and about how handy my husband is, and we ask questions about the ward so that they know there will be no loud, drunken parties, and we make sure to say things like "well back when my husband was a police officer..." and "Pets?  NEVER. THE HORROR!"

They totally loved us.

But now we're dealing with their property management company (their cold, impersonal, property management company), and this is the part where I find myself having to explain our finances.

Ugh.

You can imagine how much I love that, I'm sure.

(PS: Why are property managers always such douche-bags?  Just rude and condescending and horrible.  Every single one I've ever met.  It's like a law of nature.)

(Er... my apologies if you're a property manager.  I'm sure YOU'RE really quite charming too.)

(In your own way.)

The good news is that we're doing much, much better and have almost all of our debt paid off.  (Well, except for what we owe our parents.) (STOP LOOKING AT ME MOM.)  (SOON - I PROMISE.)  We have good, stable jobs and are making good money now.

Still, it's embarrassing to repeatedly have to lay out your financial mess for someone to review and judge. It feels so personal and humiliating. I honestly don't know if they'll approve us or not and I hate waiting to hear.   It makes me seriously crazy.  (Just ask my husband.)

It really is a lovely, lovely house though.  Big and pretty and with a big yard, in a nice neighborhood.  It reminds me a lot of our house in Highland.  If/when you see pictures of it, you will probably hate my guts.  (People who have been foreclosed upon should not have pretty things! Ever!) My dream would be to rent it for a long, LONG time until we're able to buy again - if that day ever comes.

Anyway.

(Heh.)

I did actually spend SOME time with my kids on Mother's Day.  We played some games in the morning (connect four champion of the world right here) and then, in the late afternoon, I managed to convince my children that Heavenly Father sometimes likes for us to visit waterfalls on Mother's Day instead of sitting in church for three hours (shut up, it was MOTHER'S DAY, I'M ALLOWED) (and yes, I'm probably going to hell).

It was pretty awesome.

If you are so inclined, please cross your fingers for us that we get the house.  We could use the good vibes.  (I figure God probably isn't going to help us much with that on account of the whole church/waterfall debacle.)

Also: Brief, Not Long, And Really Quite Shrimpy

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On Mother's Day afternoon we decided to try hiking to Lisa Falls in Little Cottonwood Canyon.

(We picked this one because it was fairly close, but there are lots of fun waterfall hikes in Utah, including Bridal Veil Falls in Provo Canyon - check out this lady's blog where she describes a bunch of fun waterfall hikes in Utah.)

This is a short (SUPER SHORT) (like four minutes) hike to a waterfall where you can play in the waterfall runoff.  The short hike includes a lot of scrambling over big boulders that my kids thought was pretty fun, but again, the hike is SHORT.

(Did I mention it was short?  Because it's pretty short.)  (After we hiked in and back we ended up crossing the road and hiking down the Little Cottonwood Trail and along the river for a while because the waterfall hike wasn't quite enough to satisfy our exploring urge.)

The water was slow enough that the kids could stand right beneath it and get wet.  The water was freezing - er, as snow melt tends to be.  We probably should've saved this hike for later in the summer.

To get there, go straight up Little Cottonwood Canyon, between mile marker 6 and 7.  There's a little parking area off on the north side of the road, and a trail right next to that.

FIVE MILLION THINGS To Do With Your Kids This Summer. FIVE MILLION.

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Well. I mean, it's not TECHNICALLY five million.  But still.  It's a bunch. 300+.   Probably plenty for you, because let's be honest, are you really going to do five million things with your kids this summer?

(Liar.)

I'm guessing you'll probably do around 20 and then spend the rest of the summer praying for the sweet release of death school. Me? I might last a little longer because I'm borne aloft on the wings of my Working Mom Guilt, but still.  NOT 300.

Some of this stuff is stuff you would need to do with them, but a lot of it is stuff they can do on their own, because I think kids, given a little nudge, should mostly be able to entertain themselves.  (I GAVE YOU SIBLINGS FOR A REASON, MY CHILDREN.)

(None of the stuff in this list is Utah specific.)

(Many thanks to my husband for letting me spend a bunch of time lying around / not spending much time with my children today so that I could write this post about spending time with my children.)

(I LOVE Mother's Day.)

SO. I GIVE YOU:

1. Pretend they've been stranded on a desert island or in the woods
2. Pretend they've run away from home (let them pack a duffle bag and actually "run away" - as far as you feel comfortable letting them roam - around the block, etc.)
3. Pretend they're magic
4. Pretend they're the Boxcar Children
5. READ the Boxcar Children
6. Pretend it’s the zombie apocolypse –what do you take with you?  Where do you go? What is the safest spot?
7. Use masking tape to make "roads" on the carpet for hot wheel cars and then use Legos or blocks to make a village to go with it.
8. Visit model homes and let them pretend they live in the houses
9. Learn how to spiderwalk up the walls in the hallway
10. Sleeping bag stairway sledding (put a mattress at the bottom of the stairs to avoid concussions) (and - I feel obliged to say this - not if your stairs are really steep) (OBVIOUSLY)
11. Have a tea party (with real food they make)
12. Play restaurant and let them make a menu and meal
13. Let them make dinner for the family
14. Give them cooking lessons (in my particular case, our "lessons" are extremely sad.  "OK, THIS IS THE TRICKY PART.  Rip open the little packet and pour out the cheese powder.  Now - STIR!  STIR WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT!"  Whatever.  They still love it.) 
15. Try cuisine from different lands - have the kids pick the country, study the customs and meals, plan the meal and any decorations, and help cook
16. Go grocery shopping - give them the list and let them get everything and check stuff off as they go, and let them pay
17. Have the older kids host a one day camp for their younger siblings - it's fun for the older kids to plan the activities and be in charge and the younger ones love the attention
18. Start a club. My kids have had cooking club (everyone comes over and helps make various foods), book club, game club, etc.  It doesn't really matter what club it is, half the fun seems to be in organizing the club, making the rules, inviting people, etc.  It usually fizzles out after about one meeting but they never seem to mind.
19. Tell ghost stories at night or in a dark room
20. Play with flashlights
21. Play ghosts in the graveyard (at night)
22. Set up the tent and have a late night in the backyard
23. Sibling slumber party in the family room
24. Flashlight tag at night
25. Look for constellations
26. Build an indoor fort
27. Build an outdoor fort
28. Build a sunflower fort
29. Build a mud fort
30. Make a lean-to playhouse out of sticks and random boards
31. Make backyard sandcastles
32. Dig tunnels in the dirt / make mud forts for army guys
33. Plant a wildflower patch
34. Plant a garden and take care of it - put each kid in charge of a specific type of plant 
35. Pick up large rocks/logs and look at the bugs underneath
36. Catch bugs
37. Find an ant colony
38. Collect rocks
39. Make leaf prints
40. Make a pinecone bird feeder
41. Make a sandbox
42. Play in the sandbox
43. Make a backyard construction site with tractors and diggers
44. Build an Inukshuk (house made out of rocks) 
45. Climb a tree
46. Dig a hole, line it with garbage bags, and make a little pond
47. Have a race
48. Host a Backyard Olympics
49. Nature Scavenger Hunt - race around trying to find one thing that matches each color in the rainbow - ROY G BIV
50. Create a spring flower collection book
51. Make a worm bin, catch a worm,  and feed it vegetables
52. Look for shapes in the clouds
53. Find a cricket
54. Go on a bird watching scavenger hunt
55. Make a leaf collage
56. Paint a rock
57. Make a log cabin out of twigs
58. Paint a pine cone
59. Grow an indoor pea plant or bean plant
60. Hunt for frogs
61. Feed ducks
62. Use window markers (my kids love doing this, especially around holidays when they have a theme)
63. Rearrange the furniture
64. Trade bedrooms
65. Read
66. Read
67. Read
68. Go to the library
69. Go to a new library you don't normally visit
70. Play with friends
71. Extend their boundaries (if you normally only let your kid ride her bike around the block, extend the radius an extra block or two - this feels like a special privilege and lets them enjoy some independence. For older kids, give them a couple of dollars and let them walk or bike to the store to buy something for you.)
72. Or, if you're uncomfortable with that, as a FAMILY, walk or bike somewhere farrish away that you normally drive to - my kids think this is super exciting. Whenever we do this (which isn't often lately because we live on a super steep hill) they like to pretend they are poor, carless, orphans on a journey. (Er, bring water.)
73. On ONE day, let them do something they aren't normally allowed to do, i.e., if they aren't allowed to stay up past 8, let them stay up as late as they want; if they aren't allowed to wear make-up, let them, etc.
74. Spy on someone without getting caught - if you play this at home you can't TELL the person you're spying on that you're playing the game, obviously.  My kids usually decide to spy on ME and they sneak around and try to spy on me without getting caught, which usually works out pretty well for them since I am fairly oblivious.  Eventually I'll hear giggling and/or see someone darting behind the couch and I'll say, "Uh, Megan?" and then I'll hear "Awwww, DANG it," and I'll know I just busted someone.  
75. Go spy on people outside (We gave Meg a "spy kit" for Christmas with a wig, one of those listening amplification things, a detective notebook, cheap binoculars, and a couple of other doodads.) 
76. Be a detective
77. Play I Spy
78. Make a picnic and go on one
79. Have a barbecue
80. Swim
81. Swim
82. Swim
83. Play Marco Polo
84. Play Shark Tag
85. Play Water Volleyball
86. Run through the sprinklers
87. Make a slip n slide out of trash bags
88. Water trampoline (yes, this is dangerous) (please don't report me to CPS)
89. Water gun / ballon fights
90. Wading pool
91. Shaving cream fight
92. Water obstacle course
93. Make mud pies
94. Swimming lessons 
95. Go to a water park
96. Go to a splash pad 
97. Go on a boat/canoe/kayak ride
98. Float down a river on an innertube
99. Go wading in a shallow creek
100. Learn to skip a rock
101. Go to a lake or beach
102. Wash the car
103. Have a huge bubble bath
104. At night, let them take a bath in the dark, but throw a couple of glow sticks into the tub
105. Hide and seek
106. Make a treasure hunt - either a simple one indoors or a larger one outdoors, leaving clues around the neighborhood
107. Make an obstacle course
108. Play don't touch the ground tag
109. Roll down a steep hill
110. Go to an orchard and pick fruit
111. Teach your kids about money - how to use a debit card, how to write a check, etc.
112. Teach your kids how to do laundry
113. Teach your kids how to clean a bathroom
114. Teach your kids anything
115. Teach them to fill a bike or car tire (carefully) (obviously)
116. Teach them how to use an ATM
117. Play Feather Your Nest - go to Walmart or Target let everyone take a cart, and then let each person "shop" for the items they want to use to furnish their make believe house. They can pick out dishes, groceries, blankets, pots and pans, etc. Then race to put it all back when you're done. Kids love this, I'm not kidding. (Yes, we've gotten some weird looks, but I figure after all of the money I've spent in both places over the years, they owe me some free entertainment dangit.)
118. Do chores (MEAN)
119. Be servants for mom (sort of like this) (I'm not kidding, sometimes my kids want me to pretend to be the mean old rich lady and that they are the servants / Sarah from the Little Princess. It seems to make doing their chores more fun when they can pretend to be frightened, etc. I will periodically storm down to check on what they are doing and act crazy and they LOVE it.)
120. 15 minute pick-up - I set the timer and they run around performing whatever chore I've assigned. Something about the race to finish it before the timer dings makes it exciting. I'm not actually sure what would happen if they didn't get it done before the timer rang. SOMETHING. SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS.
121. If they are fighting and crabby, I put them all on "restriction" in one room, together. They will usually end up playing together and having fun.
122. Alternate method - tell them they need to clean their room and can't come out until it's clean. Usually this means my kids will play together happily (or at least quietly) for a few hours because they don't want me to come in and realize they're not cleaning. Suckers.
123. Alternate, ALTERNATE method - if they are fighting and crabby and/or there is too much "mom I'm bored" going on, I let them know that if they can't think of something to do, I will think of something for them.  Like reorganizing my bookshelves or scrubbing toilets. FUN! 
124. Go to a historical site, but don't be all boring about it.  Help them imagine that they live there. (In Utah we have This is the Place park.  We don't go a lot, because it costs actual dollars, but when we do go, my kids love it.  They like to go into the various houses and actually pretend to be pioneers.  It bugs them when other people are there because it interrupts their game.  This is the Place is especially cool because they also have crafts, and pony rides (if you enjoy riding in a circle), and a petting zoo with Really Determined Goats, and a train, and a pirate ship (I am not actually sure how this is relevant to pioneers.  Perhaps there is some part of history we are all missing.  The Great Utah Pirate Plague of 1889 or something.))
125. Go to a ski resort, ride up the chair lift, and hike back down - or for older kids, bike back down.
126. Go hiking
127. Go to a convenience store and let them pick a treat and/or go get slurpies
128. Go to an amusement park.
129. Go to a bird refuge (If you can stand the smell, which personally?  I cannot.)
130. Go to an aquarium (ditto)
131. Go to a hands on children's museum
132. Go to a science museum
133. Go to a natural history museum
134. Go to an aerospace museum
135. Go to a botanical garden
136. I was going to say go to a Fine Art museum, but - let's be serious
137. Go to a different park every week
138. Go to a local summer festival / rodeo / parade
139. Watch a fireworks show
140. Shoot off fireworks
141. Go on an art walk
142. Go watch planes
143. Go watch construction with heavy equipment
144. Go to a working farm
145. Go to a working dairy - they often have tours
146. Go to a train museum
147. Ride on a train or a subway.  Or heck, even a bus. Kids are easy.
148. Go geocaching
149. Go orienteering
150. Go on a road trip
151. Go up a canyon
152. Go on a waterfall hike
153. Go on a wildflower hike
154. Go to a sand dune
155. Go on a scavenger hunt
156. Go to a drive-in
157. Go to a movie at the discount theatre
158. Go get ice cream
159. Go to a school playground (great place to rollerblade/bike/scooter)
160. Go to one of those infernal golf/arcade/gocart playlands
161. Go to a bouncy house / trampoline place
162. Go bowling
163. Go to the pet store. (My poor kids. They have no pets. This is because we are horrible pet owners, so we are doing the world of animals a favor and just - not trying it. But they love to go to the pet store to look around. And they always hope. (SAD.))
164. Go to one of those pottery coloring type places
165. Go to a play
166. Go to a concert
167. Go to a farmer's market (although CAREFULLY - we lost Emma for a while at the super crowded downtown SLC farmer's market and I'm still traumatized)
168. Go to a yard sale
169. Go on a nature walk
170. Go to the dollar store
171. Go fishing
172. Go biking
173. Go ice skating
174. Go rollerblading
175. Go to a roller rink
176. Go bowling
177. Go to an air show
178. Go minature golfing
179. Go to thrift stores
180. Go for a walk
181. Go waterskiing
182. Go wakeboarding
183. Go on a candy factory tour
184. Hit up the tourist sites in your city/town
185. Fix up dolls, toys, and stuffed animals - get the barbies dressed, style their hair, brush the animal's fur, etc.
186. Make stuff for your barbie house (furniture out of cardboard and fabric scraps, rugs, curtains)
187. Barbie fashion show
188. Barbies in general
189. Turn on the music and have a family dance party
190. Visit family
191. Do a secret service for someone - wait till your elderly neighbor drives away, then mow her lawn, or pick the dandelions out of her yard. Or do something at night to make it more exciting.
192. Make cookies for someone in the neighborhood
193. Pick a struggling family (if you don't KNOW a struggling family, first of all WHERE DO YOU LIVE, and second of all, LOOK AROUND YOU, and third of all, ask someone) and, with your kids, plan to do something nice for them, secretly. This can be as simple or fancy as you want. For example, you put together a "summer fun" kit for the family - with water guns, water balloons, a punch pass to your local pool, and new flip flops. Wrap it all up and let your kids drop it on their doorstep in the dead of night, ring the doorbell, then run away. Your kids will never forget it.
194. Play a sport
195. Play hopscotch
196. Play a card game (war, memory, go fish, slapjack, speed, etc.)
197. Play crack the egg
198. Play softball
199. Play Simon Says
200. Play cops and robbers on bikes
201. Play Red Rover
202. Play Four Square
203. Play King of the Mountain
204. Play Kick the Can
205. Play Blind Man’s Bluff
206. Play Red Light, Green Light
207. Play Mother May I
208. Play Heads Up, Seven Up
209. Play Crack the Whip
210. Play Leap Frog
211. Play Capture the Flag
212. Play Follow the Leader
213. Play Duck Duck Goose
214. Play Telephone
215. Play Freeze Dance
216. Play Murder (THE GAME, although I realize summer may occasionally make you question whether or not to actually try it)
217. Play the piano and sing
218. Play kickball
219. Play soccer
220. Play tag
221. Play freeze tag
222. Play TV tag
223. Play school
224. Play a board game
225. Play with clay
226. Play karaoke
227. Play with makeup
228. Play with a jumprope
229. Play 20 questions
230. Play Volleyball
231. Play Cat’s Cradle
232. Play dress up
233. Play with jacks
234. Play 20 Questions
235. Play checkers
236. Play charades
237. Play croquet
238. Play post office
239. Play twister
240. Play store
241. Play frisbee
242. Play catch
243. Play hot wheels
244. Play with your toys
245. Play in a bouncy house
246. Play on a hopper ball
247. Play in a boat (when I was a kid we had an old boat - we rarely went out on the water, but we played in it constantly as it sat in the driveway)
248. Play with chalk
249. Make slime
250. Make cookies
251. Make playdough
252. Make ice cream
253. Make snowcones
254. Make a playhouse out of a refrigerator box or moving boxes
255. Make artwork to put in frames
256. Make music with water in cups
257. Make a kazoo
258. Make a new kind of sandwich
259. Make a board game
260. Make a puppet out of socks
261. Make a puppet show
262. Make a movie
263. Make crafts
264. Make jewelry
265. Make father's day cards
266. Make t-shirts for 4th of July
267. Make and color paper dolls
268. Make a model plane/car/train
269. Make a scrapbook
270. Make and fly paper airplanes
271. Make up a language
272. Make snowcones or popsicles
273. Make and blow bubbles
274. Cook an egg on tinfoil on the sidewalk
275. Origami
276. Take pictures 
277. Go on a photography scavenger hunt
278. Pillow fight
279. Tickle fight (just leave me out of it, thankyouverymuch)
280. Fly a kite
281. Take a free class at home depot
282. Learn to sew
283. Learn to crochet
284. Learn to ride a horse
285. Learn to use a ripstick
286. Learn to play chess
287. Learn to blog
288. Learn to create a website
289. Learn magic tricks
290. Learn card tricks
291. Learn pig latin
292. Learn to paint your nails
293. Learn to braid hair
294. Learn how to tie knots
295. Learn Sudoku
296. Learn how to cartwheel
297. Learn how to do a walkover
298. Learn how to do a handspring
299. Write letters/emails to cousins/grandmas/friends
300. Write a story
301. Write a song
302. Write a poem
303. Keep a journal
304. Draw
305. Paint
306. Fingerpaint
307. Color
308. Have a yard sale
309. Have a lemonade stand
310. Do a family service project, like picking up litter or joining in a community cleanup
311. Do a fun run / walk for Charity
312. Twirl around until you get dizzy
313. Do a science project
314. Do a puzzle
315. Check out a book of plays from library and act them out
316. Put on a talent show
317. Take a nap
318. Become an expert in some topic that interests you
319. Plan a fun activity for your family to do
320. Bury a time capsule
321. Solve logic puzzles or brainteasers
322. Have an indoor snowball fight (use newspaper)
323. Make melted crayon art
324. Have a movie day
325. Make-up stories starring THEM and tell them at night (my kids love, love, love this)
326. and
327. Laze around.  It's summer. :)

This Is Me, All Up In Your Grill

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So THAT'S over with.

In case you missed my epic melt-down in the post I put up and then promptly pulled back down, but which will apparently live forever in my Google Reader feed, I was a TAD overwhelmed for a bit there, what with working, and kids, and going back to school at night (online, but still).  I ended up dropping a class, which saved my sanity.  Mostly.

I ended up getting As in all of my classes (13 credits y'all) and am in line for a couple of scholarships this fall, so GO ME.  The thing I am most proud of about all of this is not that I got straight As but that I FINALLY FINISHED SOMETHING.  EVEN IF IT WAS JUST A SEMESTER. (STILL!) (WHY AM I SHOUTING?)

I'm taking a couple of classes online this summer (the new term starts next week, bleeeaghhh), but other than my next math class I think the classes will be fairly easy for me (FAMOUS LAST WORDS) (AGAIN WITH THE SHOUTING), and so I'm not worried.  (Much.)

Every day after work now I race home to spend a little time with Josh, then we go pick up the kids from school and head somewhere fun for a while before we head back home to do homework.  I know it sounds like I'm crazy busy (and I am) but I really do work very hard to make sure my kids don't really feel that. Ninety percent of the time I do my homework when they are all in bed.  (Why am I explaining this to you?) (I don't know?) (And yet?) Josh is probably the only one who has time to miss me, since he's home from 8-2 (hubs leaves at 8) with a sitter.  For the older kids, I'm pretty much home when they are, and that is SO GOOD for my mommy guilt.  Because I have it.  I struggle with it, for sure.  And then the weekends are like Quality Time Central, man.

(My house is filthy.)

Anyway. We do lots of stuff together.   Some outdoor stuff (people come from all over the world to spend time in our mountains so you should really Go Get You Some of That), some indoor stuff, some free stuff, some nearly free stuff, and some spendier stuff when I have coupons.

(I'm really quite cheap and nobody ever comps me anything, the jerks.)

AND I'M GOING TO START POSTING ABOUT ALL OF IT HERE, YOU LUCKY HUMANS. Because I have no record of doing this stuff. I never print out my pictures so they all mainly exist in Picasa and/or Facebook albums, and if you read my blog you would never really know that Yes, I Spend Time With My Children.  And I don't care if YOU don't know about that, but pretty soon my kids are gonna find my blog, and I WANT PROOF that we did this stuff.

This may or may not drive you slightly crazy if you a) don't care, b) don't live in Utah, c) hate children, or d) hate me.  In which case WHY ARE YOU READING MY BLOG, the end.

I will still post about other stuff From Time To Time.  There are lots of weighty issues I would love to talk about, but I have the mental attention span and energy of a gnat right now, so - you get what you get.

(In vain I tried not to add "and you don't throw a fit" to that last sentence.  I'm such a mom.)

I was posting about all of this stuff on another blog (and on Pinterest - which I finally succumbed to about, oh, twenty-four hours ago) (can you say rabbit hole?) but then I realized that was - kind of a waste of time.  If I wanted anyone to actually read it.  (I think I do.) (Probably.)

So I have a bunch of posts that I've already written that I'm going to post here - THIS IS ME, TOTALLY FLOODING YOUR GOOGLE READER YO.

(I'm so street.)

Anyway.  (I have a reader who is annoyed when I use the word Anyway as a sentence.  I know this because she emailed me about it.  And so.  ANYWAY.)

I will probably eventually write about the Same Places Everyone in Utah Hits, i.e., Hogle Zoo (which yes, I love), Thanksgiving Point Dinosaur Museum/Farm (meh - fun but pricey), This is the Place (love), Seven Peaks (wouldn't know, too scared to take four little kids there by myself plus see above re: cheapness), the Aquarium (meh), the Planetarium (yup), the Natural History Museum (YES), and Red Butte Gardens (meh, depends on the season) - but mainly I try to write about other stuff. Branch out a little.  And I plan to write about stuff you can do with your kids anywhere/anytime.  And then, of course,  the same old navel gazing Sue stuff.

PREPARE TO BE AMAZED (and/or slightly underwhelmed and/or bored).  (Whichever.)

Man the Mark All As Read buttons everyone, 'cuz I'm doing this thing in 3, 2, 1....

NO BOAT FOR YOU

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In mid-summer we love going to Pineview Reservoir in Huntsville.  There are camping spots, but we usually just go for the day.  Lots of people boat, but we don't have a freaking boat, NOT THAT I'M BITTER ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING, NO BOAT FOR US, we just content ourselves with shooting laser beams of jealous rage out toward the More Fortunately Boated amongst us.

Luckily, they have a sandy beach area where no boats are allowed (TAKE THAT) and the water is usually pretty warm and calm.

It's so nice y'all.  It makes me feel all Southern and relaxed.  Everytime we go it makes me want to move to Huntsville.  

Info here: http://www.utah.com/ogden/pineview.htm

PS:  If you have a boat, I am TOTALLY AVAILABLE FOR FRIENDSHIP THIS SUMMER.

You Can Never Have Enough Castle Parks

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This Kaysville/Fruit Heights park is a lot like the Veteran's Memorial playground in South Jordan (seriously, there's a freaking castle park in every county), but I think it's more fun because it has the added bonus of having a woodland area with a creek.

We like to take a picnic then go for a little hike in the wooded area, skip a few rocks, tell the kids repeatedly not to go in the water, relent and tell them they can put their feet in the water BUT ONLY THEIR FEET, relent again and tell them they can go ahead and get wet, and then let them dry off back on the playground.  (We're really very strict.)

It also has restrooms, pavillions, and soccer fields.

Directions here.

NOT THAT I'M JEALOUS. AGAIN.

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It's a park!  It's a hike!  It's a park and a hike!

Seriously you guys, rich people have all the luck.  Tucked away inside a ritzy residential neighborhood in North Salt Lake is a cute little park, the Wild Rose Trailhead Park, with a pavillion and a playground.

(When we're at the playground with all of the rich people and their tiny dogs I like to speak with an accent and pretend that Yes, I Also Am A Faux British Millionaire.  Little trails lead to various parts of the neighborhood.  I don't know if this was actually a park feature, or if the rich folk had their servants dig the trails afterward.  Potato / Potahto.)

The BIG trails lead you up into the Bountiful foothills.  There are a lot of really easy hikes you can access from the trailhead, and lots of great picnic spots.  

(Are you sensing a theme here, what with all of the easy hikes?  (And the jealousy?) (Just pretend you don't see that part.)  Ahem.  As to the EASY part - we have little kids.  We have to carry the littlest.  So easy is sort of a prerequisite.)

Info here: http://www.nslcity.org/facilities.aspx?RID=7&Page=detail

(I didn't take many pictures of the park or the hike itself, apparently I was obsessing over my cute kids.  This  is Megan and Emma, teaching Josh the hiking victory dance.)

Fox Hellow (Er HOLLOW, HOLLOW, DON'T EMAIL ME) Park

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This is a fun park, winter or summer.  The playground is pretty cool and has equipment I haven't seen at Every Other Utah Park in the Universe.  It has a huge splash pad but it's closed til Memorial Day so when we went yesterday we used that area for rollerblading/scootering/ripsticking.  It has a huge field, huge pavilions, and restrooms.

It also provides access to the Legacy Parkway trail, which has always totally confused me.

On the one hand, I get it.  Nice smooth trail for bike riding, running, skating, commuting.  And if you only look East, it's kind of scenic.

On the other hand, it's right by the freeway and you're inhaling nice big gulps of exhaust the entire way. We lived in Foxboro for about six minutes and I used to rollerblade on this trail and I would always end up feeling slightly ill afterward.

That might just be because I was really fat though.

Hmmm.

Another nice feature is that in late summer there are mysterious white bugs EVERYWHERE.  If you live there this doesn't bother you anymore, you just realize that your lungs are probably coated with them.  It's like protein.  If you don't, well then - GO IN EARLY SUMMER would be my suggestion. Or wear a face mask.

(Oh Foxboro people, I KID, I KID.)  (I SAY THIS WITH LOVE.)  (SORT OF.)

Info here.

Discovery Trail. I Tried To Think Of Something Sarcastic To Say Here But This Is Actually Pretty Dang Cool

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We stumbled on this fun trail completely by accident after we attempted to go to the Canyon View Park in Spanish Fork Canyon and found it closed.  (We went to Canyon View on another day and all I really have to say about it is - meh.)

It's a wilderness area with a marked trail, that begins with a sort of a treasure map. Along the trail there are discovery/information stations and exhibits. My kids really loved it.  Still seems to be a pretty well kept secret.  Absolutely free.

Information and directions:

http://www.fs.usda.gov/Internet/FSE_DOCUMENTS/stelprdb5108835.pdf

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/595094302/Students-go-to-work-on-2nd-phase-of-Diamond-Fork-Discovery-Trail.html

Every Single Free Splash Pad In Utah

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Sometimes we like to get wet, but sometimes I'm not up to the whole and-now-I-must-keep-four-kids-from-drowning deal, so instead of heading to the pool we like to hit up splash pads.  And we mostly like to do it for free.  Because I'm cheap.

BEHOLD.  A list of all of the free splash pads along the Wasatch Front that I'm aware of, starting with...

Highland City Library Splash pad and "creek" (info here) (awesome)

(LOOK HOW YOUNG THEY WERE EEEEEP!)



(More splash pad info after the jump)

Willard Bay State Park.

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Have you been here yet?  It's a freshwater lake with a beach about 50 miles north of SLC.   There are free cabanas, picnic areas, and camping areas.   I think it cost about $10 to get in.

It gets CROWDED on the weekends, but everyone generally seems to be in a fantastic mood (possibly because a lot of people are drunk?) (I'm guessing?), so at least they are happy crowds.

Although maybe it's just that the heathens come out on Sunday, which is when we went. (TOTALLY KIDDING HEATHENS OF UTAH.) (DON'T EMAIL ME.)

I love it and can't wait to go back.

Info here: http://www.utah.com/stateparks/willard_bay.htm

Wildflower Hike to Secret Lake

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Oh you guys.  The wildflowers!  This is such an easy, gorgeous hike.  Technically the hike goes to a (rather underwhelming) (greenish) lake, but you really take this hike for the wildflowers.  We went in August and everything was in full bloom and SO GORGEOUS.   It's one of our family favorites.

The hike is only about a mile long.  It gets a little steep near the end where you hike up to the actual lake view, but honestly, you don't even need to go that far.  This would be a fantastic place for family pictures.  I need to bribe someone to take our pictures here, it has been years and years and years.  (Seriously, we don't even have a family pic with Josh in it. PARENT FAIL.)

You can find directions here:  http://climb-utah.com/WM/secretlake.htm

Beep Beep Beep Boop Boop: The Layton Electronic Park

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This one is hard to explain, but it's a combo of a park and a video game.  You can read about it here:  http://techcrunch.com/2009/07/12/young-nerds-rejoice-electronic-playground-coming-to-layton-utah/

We were in the area so we checked it out.  The kids all liked it, but Jake LOVED it and went crazy hopping up and down on various pieces of equipment trying to increase his score.  It was all pretty cool, but I had to laugh because the part they liked best wasn't electronic at all - it was the spinner buckets

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Sippin Cideee Idee-Ider Through A Straw, Tweedlee Dee Ha Ha (Girls Camp Up In The House Y'ALL)

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What else would be located right smack in the middle of Ogden but a 152 acre non-profit nature preserve with trails, picnic areas, treehouses, and lakes?

Yeah.

We had no idea it was there either.

We had a great time exploring.  It was freezing when we went, and the trails to the treehouses were closed/washed out at the time, but we still manged to find a ton of entertaining stuff to do.

They have educational exhibits and programs designed to get kids involved with nature, and exhibits with wounded birds they are taking care of.  I've heard they have summer daycamp and overnight camp programs, but I have no idea how spendy they are and I was too lazy to look it up on their website.  I KNOW they have a family campout night with a picnic dinner, group singalong, and marshmallow roast, and I am just nerdy enough to think that sounds really fun. 

Costs $2-4 to get in, depending on age.

You can visit their website here: http://www.ogdennaturecenter.org/

SO PRETTY. SO SO PRETTY.

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Another gorgeous lake - the Silver Flat Lake Reservoir.  This is a few miles up American Fork Canyon.  The drive is a little rough/scary (although I admit I'm a huge chicken when I'm not driving) (control issues much?), but it's worth it.

We had a picnic on the sandy beach, then went wading/swimming despite the fact that it was FREEZING.  (I think we went in May or June, can't remember.)  After a bit of swimming we were ready for a short hike.  We only hiked a little way up (we were already worn out) (plus I'm lazy), but you can hike from Silver Lake Flat Reservoir up to the actual Silver Lake (google it, there's tons of information online about the hike).   We stopped to climb on a few rocks and play in the river.

You can fish there, or camp (but, somewhat oddly, you can't camp within 1/2 mile of the lake).  More info here: http://www.utahfishinginfo.com/utahlakes/silverlakeflat.php

Stay Away From Hobo Huts, THIS MEANS YOU

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We loved Kelly's Grove, a park just a tad into Hobble Creek Canyon (near Springville).  A shallow river to wade in, wilder places to explore, pavillions to eat at, old school swingsets, baseball/kickball fields - we loved it.  We went in the fall and it was SO PRETTY.  SO GORGEOUS.  In fact, I just wandered around for a while repeating myself about how beautiful everything was.  KIND OF LIKE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.

We went on a hike off in the reeds and found some kind of structure that it looked like hobos had been using.  The kids thought that was pretty awesome but my probation officer husband thought it was Dangerous Because He Knows All About What These Kids Today Use Hobo Huts For.

You can find directions and info here:  http://parks.springville.org/canyon-parks.html

Random Spot On The Side Of The Road: American Fork Canyon

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Yeah.  Good luck getting there, but man, it was fun.

(I'm a brat, I know.)

Your Clothes May Be, Beau Brummelly

Pin It Do you remember when I wrote this post? About wanting to buy boots but feeling confused and frightened?  Erm, FOUR years ago?

If you haven't, go read it. 

(It's o.k., I'll wait.) 

(Context is important.)

SO.

I think I am finally ready to take the plunge and buy my first pair of actual boots.

(WHAT.  I need time to germinate on things, people. I am a germinator.)

(Wait. Can you germinate on things?)

(Maybe OVER things?)

(ABOUT things?)

(Hmmmm.)

Right now my Winter Footwear Collection a la 2011 consists of:

• One pair of running type sneakers that I bought in a fit of extremely misguided couch to 5K enthusiasm
• One pair of ankle boots (which are fine for wearing under jeans, but am I right when I guess that you probably shouldn't wear them with a skirt?) (Because some Sundays I waver, wondering if that would be acceptable.) (But I'm thinking - NOT ACCEPTABLE.) (Right?)
• One pair of actual snow boots (which are fine for shoveling driveways and sledding down our side-yard AS PER ILLUSTRATION but I'm guessing NOT FINE for fashion?) (click to embiggen)
  
  
• One pair of grandma shoes (complete with fuzzy socks, which - I'm sorry, but Stacey and Carlton can kiss my lint covered left toe - I will never part with them) (I spent the penny)
  
  

You're all jealous of my shoes, I CAN FEEL IT.

I was griping on Facebook about the fact that I am now wearing a size 6 (BRAGGY) and yet still cannot stuff my ginormous calves into half of the boots at Payless (NOT BRAGGY) and Carina let me know that I SHOULD NEVER BUY BOOTS AT PAYLESS or I would BE SORRY, SO SO SORRY because they would fall apart as soon as I wore them out in public for the first time, causing people to point and laugh.

She then emailed me a selection of wide-calf boots (that term makes me feel bad about myself) (can't we call them boots for the differently calved or something?) that I could buy online, but I'm nervous about buying anything online, because if I buy them, and they look stupid, then I have to actually SEND THEM BACK, which I will never do (this is why Netflix is still hunting for me), and then I will end up with YET ANOTHER pair of stupid looking shoes.  So I need to buy something live and in person. 

Since that is the case, where do I buy them? (Shoe stores still frighten me, and shoe salespeople - definitely still the most terrifying people on earth.)

Other things I do not know:

• Are we wearing black and brown together these days, or does that ALSO cause people to point and laugh?  So like, if I have a black coat (I DO) can I wear my brown boots with it, or do I need to get black boots?  But then what do I do when I am wearing brown clothing? 
• Buckles or no buckles?  Do we care about buckles?  Is that a thing? 
• If I buy a pair of boots THIS year am I going to look totally dated four years from now when I get up the courage (and funds) to buy a second pair?
• HOW TALL?  I mean, what is the optimum height for these-are-my-only-boots boots?  Mid-calf? Knee-high?  Thigh-high? What will I get the most wear out of? 
• (I'm guessing not thigh high.  That would be sort of - well, not slutty, I'm a little old for slutty, but - sad and inappropriate for sure.)  
• If I get just under knee high boots can I wear them constantly or is it like with sweaters, where if you wear them more than once a week people will start judging you?
• How do I wear them?  See, I thought you tucked your jeans INTO your boots, but then - WHY DO WE HAVE BOOT CUT JEANS?
• When is it appropriate not to wear socks with shoes?  Not boot-related just a general question. 
• I'm so confused.
• DO NOT MOCK ME ON TWITTER CARINA, I WILL HEAR YOU.

SOMEWHAT RELATED, WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS?

(I am asking about my electrified hairs, not my wrinkles, shut up.)  It's my gray hairs, dyed blonde (actually a strange shade of orange at the moment, SHUT UP AGAIN) and apparently intent upon making the jump over onto somebody else's head.  I can't tame them.  What do I do?  Is there - is there a magical potion I can use?  A serum?  I have some of that non-frizz serum and it does nothing except make me look like an oil slick. 

I also have - some type of putty that you are supposed to - I don't know - rub all over your hands and then run your hands through your hair and -  I - I don't know.  The instructions are so vague.  You're supposed to put a coin (WHAT COIN) sized amount in your hand, then rub it around a little (HOW MUCH), then "work it" into your hair (HOW), ensuring that you've placed almost undiscernable amounts of pasty type stuff in strategic places (WHAT PLACES).  As you can imagine, THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME.

ALSO NOT WORKING:  Spraying hair spray on my hands and trying to smooth them down.  This mostly angers them.

So I have a lot of questions, basically.

HELP ME WOMEN OF EARTH.

PS:  OH - if you are bored today, I updated my sidebar links to other people's posts. (I know, I shouldn't have.)

Deadly Sins

Pin It The other day I was reading an article someone linked to, an article about a bunch of big time bloggers and how much money they are making, and about all of the perks and trips they get, and about how hard it is to deal with the weird sort of fame that bloggers sometimes get.

I found myself thinking "This is a problem?" and "I wonder how neglected their children are" (mind you I was reading this at home, WHILE I was neglecting my OWN children in favor of Facebook (they were playing in the other room, but still, HYPOCRISY, thy name is Sue)).  And then I started wondering how they got their Big Break, because obviously it must have been luck and not talent or hard work that sent them plunging over the bloggy tipping point.

Basically I was trying to make myself feel better (about not being blog famous, when HELLO, NEWS FLASH, YOU REGULARLY WALK AWAY FROM YOUR BLOG FOR MONTHS AT A TIME you goon) and was indulging in a bunch of envious and ickily catty thoughts.

(My gosh, aren't you just dying to be my best friend right now?  I mean - I'm such a nice person!  What with the out of control and nonsensical envy of the people who live in my computer!) 

(But it's not just them.  I have plenty of envy to spread around.)

(Yes, its a post about envy.  It's sort of the opposite of a gratitude post. Why be grateful when you can choke on your own envy, that's what I always say!)

(HAPPY THANKSGIVING!)
 
I don't mean the harmless kind of "oooooh, I wish I had those pants" kind of envy.  I don't wish for people's clothing, or houses, or stuff. I don't wish for their talents or skills.  I wish for their good fortune.

• I envy the perceived easiness of their lives and the pleasant solidness of their marriages - even though I know nothing is ever really what it looks like on the surface.
• I envy women who can just - go to Target and buy a bunch of holiday decorations because they feel like it. 
• I envy people who go on cruises (and especially women who get SENT on cruises - you know, for work and/or blogging purposes) 
• I envy women who have throw pillows, because let's face it, if you have the money to buy throw pillows that pretty much means all of your basic needs have been met. 
• I envy stay at home moms, even though I wonder if I would be able to handle being at home full time.
• I envy women who have (what seem to me) only superficial stresses in their lives - like worrying about planning the fall PTA carnival. 
• Mostly I envy the wisdom they had to make smarter choices when they were younger.

I do this EVEN THOUGH I KNOW that not all is as it seems, that you never really know what is going on in someone else's life - what secret burdens they have.

I'm not drowning in it. It isn't constant.  I just think it would be nice if, when I hear about someone's good fortune in an area where I am not personally excelling, if my first response was not a jealous "harumph". That is what I would like. I like to think of myself as a nice person and nice people do not have this as a default emotion, am I right?

When I realize I'm doing it, I try to just - KNOCK IT OFF. But so much of it is unconsciously done.  Sometimes I start off feeling just a little wistful, then suddenly I'm feeling the kind of envy where I'm so resentful about someone else's good fortune that I wish somebody would take them down a peg. The kind of envy where I look at someone's perfect life on their blog and feel the urge to leave a snarky comment. (I don't do that. But sometimes I feel the urge.)

(I took most of those kinds of sunshiney lifestyle blogs out of my reader because they were making me crazy. What is the point of comparing yourself to false perfection? Or even real perfection? Nobody's life is a storybook all the time. It's guess it's bloggy escapism and some people enjoy that kind of thing. I've had to realize that I don't. Not at this point in my life anyway. I have no patience for it, and I'm happier when I don't subject myself to it. I feel less envious when I'm not regularly peeking into the lives of women who seem incredibly fortunate.)

And yes, I know what you are supposed to do to get over feeling envious - be more grateful, concentrate on the good in your life, help those who are less fortunate, etcetera etcetera ETCETERA. I know it.

But it's something I still struggle with. (I like that word, struggle, because it means I'm fighting against it.)  I'm happy for those of you who have already conquered it. Good for you. Please don't tell me all about how you are perfect in this regard or I will be forced, just on principle, to hunt you down and kill you.

(And my gosh, it is so easy to identify it in other people, isn't it? Talk to a few other women who are being catty and jealous for a while and you end up feeling like you need to go home and take a shower because the envy is so obvious and blatant. But I think it's harder when it is just you, inside your head, being a jerk to the other people inside of your head.) 

I probably shouldn't be confessing this. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who is petty and envious.  (Although, looking on the bright side, in real life I would never actually ADMIT that I was petty and/or envious.  In real life I would rather die than admit to feeling anything remotely like that.  In real life, around my friends - not necessarily my sisters, they know more of my true nature - I try not to ever indulge in comments about other people that convey anything other than sunshine and good will, because, HELLO, it is something I'm ASHAMED OF.)

But it's also true. 

(I feel like putting something really dramatic here like, AND IT STOPS RIGHT NOW, but who am I kidding.  It might stop. Sort of.  For a day or two. Maybe. Ish.)

(But you know, work in progress.)

I'm Glad He Didn't Suggest I Buy Fava Beans, That Would've Really Freaked Me Out

Pin It Yesterday I had the day off and I made the mistake of wearing a sweater so I was feeling rather cozy and earth-motherish and decided that a really great way to spend my morning would be to make chili.

From scratch.

(Half of you are thinking “oh, how nice - chili” and the other half of you are thinking "oh great is this a COOKING blog now?", and the other half of you (it's the new math) (just go with it) who have read my blog for more than ten minutes are thinking “Oh dear - this won’t end well”.)

(See: Exhibit A.)  (Or, oh geez, Exhibit B.)  (See also: recent Facebook status update:  "When your crockpot recipe for barbecue shredded chicken says that it should cook on low for 5 or 6 hours, do not mentally translate that in your head to "cook all day" and then put everything in the crock pot at 5:30 in the morning before you leave for work. Because by the end of the day, what you will have my friend? Is CHICKEN SLUDGE. And once again your family will be forced to eat the sludge while make encouraging faces, lest you give up the cooking battle entirely and force them to eat peanut butter forever.")

(Followed by my own exasperated follow-up comment: "I just - DO NOT UNDERSTAND why I can't follow directions. I'm a tech writer. I WRITE DIRECTIONS FOR A LIVING. IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS DIFFICULT.")

(AND YET IT IS.)

(Although I believe I come by my cooking quirks naturally, AHEM.)
 
Anyway, Josh and I ran to the store to buy a few things for the chili, namely: ground beef, chili powder, two onions, a green pepper, a clove of garlic, a can of tomato sauce, two cans of kidney beans, two cans of diced tomatoes, etc., etc., etc., and the whole time I'm muttering to myself that I should just go put all of that stuff back and BUY A CAN OF CHILI because WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE IT ALL COMES FROM A CAN.

Also, I'd left my list at home on the counter, so I was buying things based on the list of ingredients in my head and I wasn’t sure what kind of tomatoes to get. Or what kind of beans. Or what kind of spice type items (which explains how I ended up buying nutmeg) (nugmeg in chili - it's all the rage these days).

But I PRESSED ON, you guys.  FOR THE CHILDREN. (The ungrateful, ungrateful children.  When I set the bowl of chili in front of Jake at dinner time he immediately made a face and started to whine about it, and I told him that if he didn't quit it IMMEDIATELY he would be going to bed with no dinner, and the expression on his face indicated that wasn't much of a threat.)

Anyway, when we were done shopping we went to check out and nothing was open but the self-check and I HATE the self-check, I LOATHE it, I wish it dead.

Because:

1. It's way too time consuming
2. It's hard to simultaneously check yourself out and keep your two year old from fulfilling his One Great Desire in Life (to lick the grocery bag carousel), and
3. That stupid bagging thing is just so freaking suspicious. "Put the item in the bagging area." "Please put the item in the bagging area!" "PUT THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA." I leave feeling all stressed out and disrespected and cynical about the world.

Anyway, I started checking myself out, and as I’m doing it Josh is retrieving things from the bagging area and putting them back in his little cart (self-check register: MA’AM, I’M NOT KIDDING, PUT DOWN THE MUSHROOMS AND BACK AWAY FROM THE REGISTER) so it's taking a while and I'm starting to escalate from born-in-Utah swear words to the actual kind. Fortunately the attendant sees me struggling and since she is not busy she comes over to help.

Meanwhile some guy with two non-produce type items in his cart comes up behind me and stands there.

Attendant: Sir, this is the self-check, you can go ahead and use this register over here.
Guy: I’ll wait.
Attendant: You don’t need to wait, you can use the self-check.
Guy: Nah, I’d rather have you do it.
Attendant: DEATH GLARE
Me: torn between thinking he’s a jerk and bonding with him based on our mutual hatred of self-check

The guy starts asking me if I’m making chili, and I tell him, yeah, I hope so, and I explain that I forgot my list and I’m not sure if I got the right stuff or not, but hopefully it would work out, jabber jabber mindless jabber.

The guy tells me that if it would help, he has a great recipe I could take a look at. 

OUT IN HIS CAR.

(Because, sure, that’s where everyone keeps their chili recipes – IN THEIR VEHICLES.)

Do I want to come take a look at it by any chance? Hmmmmmm?

I don't know why my fairly large and healthy fear of serial killers hadn't kicked in yet - maybe because he was wearing a Hogle Zoo sweatshirt and everyone knows that serial killers don't wear sweatshirts (too obvious) (they stick to flannel and/or business attire).

I was thinking that he was – I don’t know – awkwardly trying to be friendly or something so I just shook my head and tried to insert my money into the stupid bill collector thing (which is not something you should attempt when you are frazzled).

The guy kept going though, saying stuff like, “well, o.k., but it’s a really great recipe,” and “are you sure you don’t want to check to see if you have the right tomatoes” and "I won the chili cook-off last year" and “it’s really no trouble - it’s just right out there in my car”. (Probably the same car where he keeps his collection of knives and ice picks and dessicated eyeballs.)

I ended up looking him in the eye and saying, "No thank you!" fairly aggressively and loudly, (at which point he held both hands up in the air like, "hey, I was just trying to be helpful") (but you guys, he totally wanted to kill me and feed me to his rabbits, I could tell), and since I'd called attention to his creepiness, he had no choice but to abandon his plan to secretively get me out to his car, hack me into bits, and make me the newest secret ingredient in his award winning "chili". 

Anyway, we got out of the store, made it safely to the car, and sped home, where I said a little prayer of thanks, got ready to cook, and dammit all if I didn’t have the wrong kind of tomatoes.

Maybe In Lieu Of Opportunities They Will Take Bacon (I Would)

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Going back and looking over my blog over the last two years, I’ve noticed that I mostly wrote when I was totally overwhelmed with my life and needed an outlet.   When I couldn’t talk about what was going on in my life with anyone who was actually IN my life, I still felt o.k. about coming here and talking about it. (Well, some of it.)  (I don’t know why I can’t talk about this stuff with people in my actual life, other than my sisters. I think I’m afraid of coming across like a big whiner.) (Obviously, I have no compunctions about coming across to YOU this way.) (You're welcome.)

It was a blessing to have you guys out there -  able to step in with advice or just a good smack of reality and/or perspective when I needed it.  But then - RUDE - I never came back and gave you an update.  I thought maybe now (since I seem to be feeling less funny and more overly sincere and earnest) would be a good time to remedy that. 

So for starters, let’s revisit this one about the whole housing mess. 

And this one about Megan’s friend issues, while we’re at it.  

The house.  Yes, we finally lost our house to foreclosure, after losing our business, our savings, our cars, our self-esteem, and all of our money. (It was a fun couple of years, what can I say.)   It was hard.  It was heartbreaking.  And let’s face it, it was embarrassing.

(my old house) (sniff sniff)

For a while we thought they were going to let us do a short sale, and we had three solid, signed offers.  WHILE the short sale division of the bank was reviewing the offers, another division of the bank foreclosed on us.  Apparently there was some miscommunication at the bank, but their feeling was “what’s done is done.”  Our realtor had to call and give us the news.  We had three weeks to get out.  

We panicked and rented a house in Woods Cross (sweet, sweet land of refineries and gravel pits).  We were looking for something in a decent neighborhood with a short commute and the rental market was tight – especially for something in our time frame.  We walked through the house and signed the lease the same day, because it was the best thing we’d seen all week.  Rent in haste, repent at leisure.

I wasn’t in love with the area.  It was so weird.  It was a nice neighborhood, but located in an industrial area off of Redwood Road and Legacy Parkway.  There were mosquitoes EVERYWHERE.  EVERYWHERE.  MY GOSH YOU GUYS. THE MOSQUITOES.  There were three freeways in close proximity, at least six oil refineries, and as a result the distinct smell of gasoline and exhaust was everywhere. The kids were happy though (apparently clueless that their lungs were rapidly filling with CANCER).  So that was good?  I guess?

A few months later the folks we were renting from ended up losing THEIR shirts and asked (begged, pleaded) if they could break the lease and move back into their home.  It was really, really hard to make a decision (NOT), but we agreed to move right after Christmas.

We found a house to rent up on the Bountiful bench (north of Salt Lake), and we moved in January. Actually, my HUSBAND moved us ( along with my mom, my in-laws, and a lot of really kind church folks) while I was lying in the hospital in a near coma.  So that was fun for him. 

It has been an adjustment to be renters instead of homeowners.   It’s not so much the reality of renting (not having the freedom to rip up nasty carpet or paint things normal colors, etc.).  It’s more that we aren’t sure if we will ever again be able to provide our kids with the stability that comes with home ownership.  The whole - growing up in one spot deal. It will be years before we will be in a position to buy again.   That makes me nervous.  I don’t like the idea of uprooting them over and over again.

The house we are living in is old and not very well made, and I despair over the carpets (WHITE!) (or rather – GRAY!) but it is big enough for our crew, and it is located in a beautiful neighborhood.  It has a huge deck and I love sitting out there ogling the mountains.  (I have almost inappropriate levels of love for the Utah mountains, can you tell?) (No, REALLY, I do) I love the 13 minute drive to work. I love that I can run to my kids’ school on my lunch hour. I love that I can sled down the mountain in my SUV on an icy day.  Wheeeeee! 

 

The neighborhood is pretty sedate, but the people are friendly and we love our neighbors.  My kids have good friends.  That leads me back to Megan.

(that's her) (in case you are new)

You guys, she has just blossomed here.  She has three (THREE!) Very Best Friends – and I am so grateful that they are all sweet, fun, drama-free little girls, who are all still very much little girls, despite reaching the advanced age of ten.  She has a new social and emotional confidence and it has been so healing to see that growth in her.  

I think her confidence can be partly attributed to getting older, is partly because of the friend issue, and partly because we are living in a less stressful environment.  Highland was amazing (if you’ve read for any length of time at all you know how much we loved our neighborhood), but there was a lot of pressure for kids to be outstanding at something.  Megan IS outstanding at many things -  she is academically gifted, she is a pretty good pianist, she is an amazing reader and a great writer (she just won the Reflections contest at her school for literature) – and more importantly she is just such a sweet, kind, GOOD kid.  

But she isn’t a nationally ranked gymnast.  We haven't been able to give her opportunities like that. 

Luckily, there isn’t much pressure for kids to BE nationally ranked gymnasts around here.  Most parents seem satisfied to raise good, well behaved kids who get their homework done.  I think something about this environment has helped to reinforce to Megan that she is, in fact, pretty special and amazing.  It probably helps that she is no longer feels compelled to compare herself to girls who have been given every advantage in the world.  So she is doing great.  She is doing really, really well.

(And here is the part where I go off on a related whiny tangent.)

(Prepare yourselves.) 

OK.  

Even though I KNOW they are amazing kids (So smart! Such great voices!  Such great readers! So clever!) and I KNOW I should just be grateful for what we have (I KNOW IT, DON’T TELL ME) (EVERYONE ELSE IS SHAMING ME WTH THEIR GRATITUDE LISTS) - part of me, in spite of the last paragraph, (and in spite of Kacy’s post) (which I AGREE with) just wishes I could give my kids those same opportunities. 

Like, WHAT IF SHE IS MEANT TO BE A NATIONALLY RANKED GYMNAST AND THE ONLY REASON SHE IS NOT IS BECAUSE OF OUR STUPID FINANCES?  What if that is her DESTINY and I am THWARTING DESTINY??!!  Do you know what I mean? 

It’s not necessarily that I want them to be accomplished, it’s more that I don’t want to deny them opportunities to develop their God-given talents.  To explore their interests.  TO BE ALL THAT THEY CAN BE.

For example: 

• Megan is so musically gifted and if she had a better teacher she would grow so much - but we just can’t afford it. 
• Emma loves to ice skate and I often wish that we could afford the kinds of things some of these (slightly psychotic) ice skating moms can afford.  She also has a beautiful voice, and I can see the day coming when she will plead for voice lessons.
• Jacob is – well honestly, I’m not really sure where his talents lie yet.  (He’s 7.  His main interest right now is nagging at me for another 15 minutes on the Wii, which – NO.)  (But then - I have a friend whose 7 year old is practically a pro-golfer!  And what am I doing with my kid?  READING TO HIM?  WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!  I MEAN, MY GOSH.)

I realize this is a first world problem.

It is just hard not to wish more for them and hard not to feel guilty about what we can provide for them.

Of course, what we can provide will change, eventually.  My husband is back in grad school at night, and I am so proud of him for that.  I have a great job now (I really do, it is FANTASTIC.) (I am obviously feeling a lot better about it now than I did back then.).  And eventually I’d like to go back to school to pursue software engineering.  Hopefully, our situation will be different someday.

For now, I love them the best I can.  I do the best I can for them.  Homework is a big deal here.  Education is a big deal. I teach them piano myself (but it is a scattershot affair).  I did manage to instill a rabid love of reading in all of them, and for that I will go ahead and pat myself on the back.  I try to teach them to be kind, to be honest (LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, CHILDREN), to be loving.  And we teach them to love the great outdoors, because the great outdoors are FREEEEEE.

(look at them traipsing through the great outdoors) (TRAIPSING, I SAY)

I know that compared to 95% of the world’s children they are incredibly lucky.  They have a mom and dad who love them.  They are safe.  They are warm.  They are fed.  They are cared for.  They get to go to school.  I know this.

I am working to be at peace with all of that, but I guess I am not really quite there yet.  I want so much for them.  I want to give them the world, to give them every opportunity in the world.   

And you know what?  

I WILL.  

RIGHT AFTER I GO ROB A BANK THIS AFTERNOON, because let's face it, this "hoping for better days" crap is highly ineffective.  

THE END.

(Good heavens, was that a long enough post?)

(See, this is why I don't update you.  TOO MANY WORDS.  IN MY BRAIN.)

Be Your Own Kind Of Average

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And now for something less… frantic.  

Can we talk?  Because I feel like talking.  Back and forth in the comments even.

I’m 110 pounds thinner than I was in January.  

I realize that sounds like a lot.  I think it sounds like more than it actually feels like.  

I always thought, if I could just lose 50 pounds, if I could just lose 60 pounds, if I could just lose 90 pounds – well then I would be ecstatic about how I looked. I would feel beautiful.  I would be a rock star.  Men would fall at my feet (not sure that would be a good thing, since I've been MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS, but still).  

Here is the thing about losing a ton of weight.  Yes, you feel better.  Yes, you feel prettier.  But you are still you.  It doesn’t change your bone structure or your snaggly teeth.  You don’t reclaim your twenties.  If anything, you have more wrinkles because the fat is not plumping out your face.   You look like you, but somewhat thinner.  

For some reason that was a surprise.  

When I hit a normal BMI, I kept waiting for something drastic to happen. Like suddenly someone was going to jump out of a closet armed with a magic lipliner pencil and I'd suddenly be glamorous.

Didn't happen.  Obviously.

I still look like a mom.   My body still displays the after-effects of four c-sections.  Yes, I’m a size 6 in dresses and a size 8 in jeans , and that’s a major improvement, but naked, I look like a pudgy sharpei – lots and lots of loose skin.  (Yes, I’m sure you’re happy to have that visual, you’re welcome.)  And I still need to lose about 20 pounds.

I say that, but honestly I’m not really sure how much I have left to lose, because I have NO CONCEPT of what I look like.  I walk down the street and wonder, “Am I bigger than that lady?  Smaller?  Thinner?  Thicker?”  I have no idea.  I look down at my legs and they still look pretty fat to me. When someone takes my picture I pore over it, trying to figure out what size I am and what I really look like. I feel like I look different in every mirror, in every picture. When I have my picture taken next to my size zero sister the resulting pictures make me look enormous, which throws me off for days.

I do not feel beautiful.  At most I feel average looking.  

I’m not fishing for compliments here.  I don’t need you to tell me that you think I look nice, or that I’m crazy, or – anything like that.  The problem is that I don’t believe it myself, and no amount of other people saying so is going to fix that.  I don’t even know if it needs to be fixed.  Why do I feel this is a problem even?   

What is my big issue here, that I don’t look like Gwyneth Paltrow?  

Am I still so shallow that I feel like in order to have value I need to be exceptionally attractive?  What, exactly, is so wrong with being average looking?

That is, in fact, how I feel.  Average looking.  For the most part, I like it.  When I think about it, I like feeling average.  Average means that people don’t have much to say about your appearance, pro or con, and that feels good to me.  I don’t worry about whether or not people are thinking “my gosh, she’s fat” when I walk into the room.  They might be thinking that my hair is an odd shade of blonde (unfortunate incident with a box of hair dye, don't ask) or that I have a weird nose, or that I have no fashion sense (I don’t) but they aren’t thinking that I’m obese.  That feels comforting to me.

 (What I really ought to be worrying about, at my cubicle at 6 in the morning, is what is going on with my hair.  That is not static electricity, that is just what my gray/dyed blonde hairs feel like doing, regardless of what I put on them.  THEY WILL NOT BE TAMED.)

I think we are just geared to want to feel beautiful.  Even the campaigns that talk about being your own kind of beautiful, they’re still using that word.  And we can't ALL be beautiful or else the word would have no meaning. But we act like that’s a flaw.  Or at least in my brain, some part of ME thinks that’s a flaw. 

Oh, this is not a Real Problem, I know it.  (Believe me, I have plenty of those.)  It’s just on my mind.

Most days I try not to think about it at all.  I still avoid mirrors.  I used to avoid them because they made me feel bad about myself.  Now I avoid them because they are confusing, and because then I end up giving brain space to thoughts like those I’ve shared here.

So losing massive amounts of weight = not necessarily life changing.  But some stuff HAS changed. Like this:

• I can buy clothes without worrying too much about if they’re going to make me look fat, and by that I mean, display my fat rolls in various unflattering ways. 
• I can buy clothes from any store I want. I could conceivably go shopping with my friends without feeling dumb that I can't fit into the clothes at that store.  (Not that I have.  I’ve mostly been buying my clothes from thrift stores until I’m sure that I’m at my final size.)
• Sales clerks are much nicer to me.  So much so that I often feel offended on behalf of my former self.  RUDE.
• People (men AND women) talk to me in elevators, in line, etc.,which freaks me out every time.  I’m used to being invisible.  People don’t always like to look at fat people.  Sometimes they look away, in the same way that they look away from people with a disability.  (No, I’m not comparing the two, I’m just saying that people are shallow.) I am finding that I do not always like feeling visible.  I do not always like being seen. 
• Men are nicer to me in general.  They not only open doors (they always did) but they smile, make eye contact and occasionally start up conversations.   I can’t attribute this to increased self confidence, because I don’t really have increased self confidence.  I don’t think this is because I’m irresistibly hot and they’re trying to pick me up.  I think I just look more pleasant now, more approachable.  Something like that.
• I got a promotion and a raise at work.  Even though I’m doing the exact same work.  Literally, they just gave me the promotion and raise and said, “just keep doing what you’re doing.”  Suddenly I was more valuable to the team.   Should I attribute that to my weight loss or to the fact that I’m a great tech writer?  I can’t entirely write off the weight loss angle - especially after two different software developers said something to the effect of “it’s nice to have a cute girl on the team.”  (I will just let you digest the various ways in which that sentence is simultaneously disturbing and flattering.)
• I do like the way that, when I meet someone new, I am not automatically trying to make up for my size.  Unless you have been fat with poor self esteem you will not understand this, but when I was fatter I always felt as though, when I met someone new (a potential friend, a new co-worker, etc.), that I had to prove that I was worth knowing, despite being fat.  Because they could immediately see two of my biggest character flaws (gluttony and laziness with a side of eating disorder thrown in for good measure) written all over my body. Hi, nice to meet you, here are my flaws, let’s be friends.  I felt like I had to make up for it.  (And let me tell you, if there is a better way to ensure that you will not act natural and normal, I don’t know what it is.)  Other people, when you meet them, there is nothing written on them that necessarily tells a story, like “I’m an alcoholic” or “I will stab you in the back any day of the week.”  Now I don’t feel like I have that automatic deficit going on, so I don’t feel as insecure when meeting people.  Take me or leave me.  Like me or don’t.  But you’re going to do it based on something other than my size. 
• I am healthier.  We did quite a bit of hiking and stuff this summer and it was so much easier to keep up. I do feel a lot better. I can be physically active with my family without feeling exhausted.
• Food is not such a focus anymore.  I’m having to actually deal with my emotions instead of eating them.  If you’d asked me before if I was an emotional eater, I would’ve said no, that I just really liked food.  But now that I can’t eat a lot of the things I ate before I’ve realized how much I relied on food as a crutch.  I get mad more often, because I’m not just swallowing back my feelings.  This is not my husband’s favorite part of the whole deal, to be sure.

All of these things probably point more to self esteem issues than anything else, I realize this.  But they are what they are.

What do you think?  Can anyone relate, at all?  Any advice? Any thoughts?

(My gosh, I’m SO SERIOUS TODAY, I can hardly stand myself.)